Sheeple of the world, rejoice! The Golden Mother is "writing" another book!
Dear Aaden: You're the Professor, right? If Mommy can get another freebie, I'll take you to the zoo again. But don't even ask if I have to spend my own money on what you want to do. And there has to be a camera crew too.
Dear Alexis: My God, you are loud. You even breathe loud, just like your father. Knock it off.
Dear Cara: Thank you for growing those long nails, so that people comment about them and it gives me something to say about you. You have long nails.
Dear Collin: Thank you for being the one who likes to clean and organize. Some girl is going to be lucky to marry a whipped boy like you!
Dear Joel: Which one are you again? Are you still on the laundry room floor?
Dear Leah: Thank you for finally learning to projectile vomit into the toilet, whenever you want attention. You make it so much easier for the maid to clean up after you.
Dear Mady: You are not in the will.
My dear, precious, beautiful Hannah: How I love how you love me. How I love how you cling to me and let me know that I am the most important person in your life. You are a leader and a role model. I love your Cousin It hair.
The Kids' Letters from the Year 2040:
Dear Mother: We hope you are enjoying your stay at the Shady Pines retirement home. We must regretfully decline your request for money to spend on manicures and hooker shoes and ratty extensions. And no, we will not pay for dry cleaning. It's your own fault if you ruin your clothing with ice cream and Crayola markers.
Cordially, Aaden, Joel, Leah, Cara.
Dear Mother: Bite me.
Dear Mother: I regretfully must decline your request to "guest host" my decorating show. Nobody cares about you any more.
Dear Old Lady Hooker: I've made millions of dollars writing books and giving interviews about what a horrible shrew of a mother you are. No, you can't have any of it.
Dearest Mommy: It's ever so scary out here in the real world without a crew. More importantly, I'm so scared to be living apart from you. I'm thinking of getting a job at Shady Pines so I can be close to you 24/7.
Much love, Hannah.